Ask a Therapist: Does My Child Need Therapy Because We’re Getting Divorced?
Q: We’re going through a divorce, and I feel like our kids should be in therapy to help them cope, but my ex doesn’t agree. How do we know if they actually need therapy? And how can we support them through the divorce if they don’t?
This is such a good question, because I think there’s an assumption we sometimes make when kids are going through something difficult: This is a big deal. They should probably talk to someone.
And maybe they should. But maybe that “someone” can be you.
Divorce is a major life change for a child. Even an amicable divorce can mean two homes, different routines, missing one parent while they’re with the other, changes in finances or schedules, and the loss of the family structure they’ve always known.
It makes sense for kids to have feelings about that, but having feelings about something hard doesn’t necessarily mean a child needs therapy.
Sadness, anger, confusion, worry, and even some changes in behavior can be normal responses to a family going through a major transition. Our job isn’t necessarily to prevent kids from having those feelings. Sometimes our job is simply to give them a safe place to have them.
You might be more important than you think
One of the best things you can give your child during a divorce is the experience of knowing, I can talk to my parent about this.
That sounds simple. In practice, it can be incredibly hard.
Imagine your child comes home and says, “I miss Dad.”
If you’re also grieving the end of your marriage, or angry about what happened in it, those three little words might pierce right through you.
Or maybe your child says, “Mom lets me stay up late at her house,” or “I wish we could all live together again,” or the particularly painful, “I want to go back to Dad’s.”
Those moments can poke directly at the most tender parts of a divorce.
And yet, one of the greatest gifts we can give children is permission to have a relationship with both parents without feeling responsible for either parent's feelings.
Your child should be able to miss their other parent without worrying that it hurts you. They should be able to tell you about something fun they did at the other house without watching your face to see how you react. And they should be able to be angry, sad, confused, or even excited about changes without feeling like they have to choose a side.
That doesn't mean you have to pretend everything is wonderful. Sometimes speaking positively about the other parent may genuinely be difficult. In those situations, neutral is perfectly okay.
“You had fun with Dad? Tell me about it.”
“It sounds like you really miss Mom tonight.”
“I know the back-and-forth can be hard.”
You don't have to agree with your co-parent to make room for your child's relationship with them.
So, when might therapy be helpful?
There isn't one universal sign that says, Okay, now it's time for therapy.
What I’m usually more interested in is whether a child's distress is becoming persistent, significant, or disruptive to their everyday life.
You might consider reaching out to a therapist if you're noticing things like:
Significant changes in sleep or appetite
Withdrawal from friends, family, or activities they usually enjoy
Increased anxiety or fears that don't seem to be improving
Frequent physical complaints, like headaches or stomachaches, without a clear medical explanation
Major changes in school performance or behavior
Intense anger, aggression, or emotional outbursts that are difficult to manage
Regression in younger children that persists
Ongoing sadness, hopelessness, or loss of interest in things they typically enjoy
A child who seems caught in the middle or feels responsible for fixing the family
Distress that continues to intensify rather than gradually becoming more manageable
And sometimes kids simply tell us they want someone outside the family to talk to. That's worth listening to, too.
Therapy can provide a neutral space where a child doesn't have to worry about hurting Mom's feelings, upsetting Dad, or saying the “wrong” thing. For some children, that space is enormously helpful.
But therapy doesn't have to be something we automatically prescribe simply because a child's life has changed.
Sometimes supporting the parent supports the child
There's another option that doesn't get talked about nearly enough: parent coaching.
Sometimes a child is coping reasonably well, but the parent is thinking, I have absolutely no idea what I'm supposed to say here.
How do I answer when my child asks why we got divorced?
What do I say when they tell me they hate going to the other house?
How much should they know?
What do I do when they repeat something my ex said that makes my blood boil?
How do I enforce rules when things already feel so unstable?
And perhaps the hardest one: How do I keep my own hurt from spilling into conversations with my child?
These are skills you can learn.
Parent coaching can give you a place to talk through those moments away from your child, figure out what belongs to you versus what belongs to them, and practice ways of responding that allow your child to feel safe talking honestly with you.
Because you are going through a divorce, too. You're not a robot. You may be hurt, furious, relieved, devastated (or all four before lunchtime!)
You are allowed to have those feelings.
A therapeutic space can be an adult-sized place for the adult-sized feelings so your child doesn't have to carry them.
Your child doesn't need to be okay all the time
I think parents need to hear this most.
A child struggling with a divorce doesn't automatically mean something is going wrong.
They may cry. They may be angry. They may wish things were different. They may complain about having two houses. They may desperately miss one parent while they're with the other.
We don't have to immediately make those feelings disappear.
Instead, we can say:
“I know. This is really hard.”
“You wish things were different.”
“You can miss Dad and still have a good time here.”
“You don't have to worry about hurting my feelings. You can always tell me how you feel.”
Sometimes children need a therapist to help them navigate a difficult chapter.
And sometimes what they need most is a parent who can sit beside them while the chapter is difficult.